After this week's big announcement, my first thought was how bored does Lance Armstrong have to be to decide that training for and racing in Le Tour is a better alternative to doing anything else?
Then I crunched a few numbers and ran a few equations through my trusty TI-35 and realized Lance is mounting a comeback for not just for awareness of The Cancer but mainly because his seemingly bottomless booty well has done dried up and next summer is looking like mighty slim pickins unless he wants to hang out behind the counter at Mellow Johnny's and pick up hipster chicks.
Here why this is true.
1) The Olsen twins are not the Olsen triplets or quadruplets. Once you ad Mary Kate and Ashley to your long, but distinguished list, that it. You're done. You're out. No more Olsen twins left to bang.
2) Matthew McConaughey, Lance's number 1 wingman is out of the game. In case you missed that issue of US Weekly, Wooderson knocked up a chick and decided to stick around to be a daddy. And until it becomes one with the earth Matthew's going to be too busy dealing with would be placenta snatchers to worry about chasing tail with Lance.
3) Lance already poached Kate Hudson from his buddy Luke Wilson. Humping an ex of your buddy is bad form. Humping two of your buddy's ex's is the stuff that gets a Maxim reporter stalking you as the target in a shocking expose'.
On top of that. Could next year's roster in Le Tour be any weaker?
Hmm... let's see.
Ricardo Ricco got booted.
Floyd Landis is gonna be on the new version of Health Net. Yeah, I don't think they'll be getting an invite.
Ivan Basso should be back but how strong will he be with out the juice?
Jan Ulrich could come back but strudel doesn't eat itself.
Carlos Sastre- not unless the he'll be testing rocket bikes for the Cervelo Test Team.
Jonathan Vaughters will find a way for Christian Vande Velde to crash.
Then you've got the Schleck brothers- Frank and Andy. I think the only way that's gonna happen is if Bjarne can find away to fuse them together to become Frandy Schleck.
Too bad Andy couldn't have been Frank's vanishing twin. That's about the only hope the Schleck sisters have at taking down The Boss.
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