Quick, somebody get C-3PO on the horn...

We need him to calculate the odds as to whether or not this guy has ever been laid.

I'm not exactly a bookmaker but I'd wager that the chances of this guy having touched a girl who wasn't employed as a Bomber Girl at Interbike '02 are certainly greater than the line of 3, 720 to one Threepio dropped on Han Solo as he pointed the Millennium Falcon into the nearest asteroid field in a valiant effort to escape Vader's wrath.

What I like about his guy, aside from the fact that he might quite possibly be the biggest bike geek west of Guitar Ted, is that every possible nuance of his being was carefully chosen to ensure that he was the king of the bike geeks gathered at the Hope Rides Again Ride and that he would not be getting laid while in Hollywood.

Working from top to bottom:

1) Mellow Johnny's cycling cap. Did he take a trip to Austin or mail order one like a punk? I didn't find out because I didn't want to talk to him.

2) The mustache. It must be a newer addition since it has yet to be shaped like a handlebar.

3) You obviously can't tell by the pic but this gent is wearing a LiveWrong t-shirt. Ha-ha-ha what a punk. Everyone else is wearing a LiveStrong t-shirt and he's proudly rocking a LiveWrong shirt. Oh I'm sure he'll still be laughing about it right up to the point where Lance gives him cancer.

4) Tweed knickers that are more like elf pants. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this pair of chick repellers were made at home while watching Klunkerz for the 42nd time.

5) Budweiser socks. If you're going deep you might as well put on every stupid accoutrement at your disposal. Seeing these Budweiser socks gave me a little flashback to 1980 when I was dropped off at grandma's for the weekend and before she took me on a field trip to her favorite bar, I attemped to put on three different sets of Underoos so that I could be three times more impressive to the neighborhood drunks. Oh how I had visions of them being in awe of the kid who had Bobo Fett, Luke Skywalker, and Green Lantern Underoos. Unfortunately grandma brought me back to earth by reminding me that she wasn't going to be doing any laundry and that if I stuck to my genius plan I'd be out of clean underpants after day one. OK, I now realize I probably should have saved that story for the therapist.

6) Sidi Dominators. These at least make sense since he's got a mountain bike and all but for a two mile ride you gotta think this man would have been capable of riding sans special shoes. And I only bring this up because there was a time back in the last century when I walked into a happening nightspot with Dominators strapped to my feet and had a conversation that went like this:

"No, these aren't rock climbing shoes they're for biking."

"Oh cool, what kind of motorcycle to do you ride."

"I don't have a motorcycle. I have a mountain bike. It's locked up outside if you'd like to see it."

"Uh no thanks. My friend just showed up. I have to go."

7) Finally, we've got the bike. Rigid. Singlespeed. 29'er. Pretty hardcore rig to most people but then again I have to assume someone of his caliber is only slummin' it with his 29'er until his custom 36'er is finished off. My favorite details by far though are the purple anodized bits one big ugly statement that this guy has been riding since the dawn of man- or at least 1993.