Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Douchebag Arsonist Sentenced to Prison

The other day Gary Allen Lintz, a freckle faced 44-year-old who was featured here last year on charges of trying to burn Griffith Park to the ground was found guilty and sentenced to 16 years in prison.



Think Gary will be called fire crotch in prison?

A big reason why Gary was apprehended stems from the fact that while he was attempting his big escape Gary tried hide himself within a group of spandex clad cyclists.

Hopefully Gary will spend his incarceration fine tuning his criminal skills so if bicycles are still around when he's released in 2025 he'll be a little more aware of his surroundings and be caught riding with a bottle of kerosene in his bottle cage.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Why-o, why-o, did you ever leave Ohio?

Came across this chap yesterday on my way to the post office.




He was already waiting at the light and taking into account his bag and the lack of gears on his whip, I came to a stop behind him as logic dictates that a rida like this will naturally be fast.

While waiting for the light to change I was able get a closer look at this fella and realized he wasn't the urban street warrior I'd assumed him to be. Nope. He was fresh off the Greyhound from Ohio.

Had to be, because:

1) A trucker cap. Specifically a "Vote for Pedro" trucker cap. Even the ironic wearing of that headgear died in 2005 but things are always a little slow to catch on in the Midwest.

2) A Patagonia messenger bag. Really? Must have been a hold over from his My-two-favorite-things-in-life-are-shell-necklaces-and-the-Dave-Matthews-Band phase.

3) The rolled up black slacks and white shirt isn't the hot new summer time courier style but the time honored uniform of a waiter.

Nothing wrong with that. Guy's gotta earn a living somehow but please, Fresh Faced Youngster from Ohio, ride your bike a little quicker. I'm proud to say the worst decision I made yesterday was assuming you'd be riding your bike above a walking pace. Maybe you were just taking it easy since your chain was so loose it was dragging it on the ground. Next time you have some tip money burning a whole in your pocket, don't blow it on a Napoleon Dynamite Talking Key Chain but go down to the hardware store and get yourself a wrench so that you can ride a little faster.

Signed,

The Guy Passed You on a Beach Cruiser.