If you haven't heard (and I must say I'm flattered and ashamed all at once if I'm your source for breaking news) a fellow by the name of Igor was arrested in Toronto and charged with the theft of 2, 396 bicycles.
Igor
Along with "mounds of bikes" stolen from hipsters only to be sold back to hipsters. Other pieces of contraband police found in Igor's possession were: Crack cocaine, original cocaine, 15lbs of weed (thanks NY Times for converting lbs to kilos) and a stolen bronze sculpture of a Centaur and a snake in battle.
Here in Los Angeles, our version of Igor was busted about a year ago. His name is Tiny and despite stealing "only" hundreds of bicycles what he lacked in sheer volume was more than made up for in the creepiness factor.
Tiny
While Igor assembled a merry band of thieves from Tornoto's mentally ill talent pool, (I'm assuming he took advantage of the fact that crazy people are easy to manipulate) Tiny acquired his bicycles through the insatiability of a meth head's need to score more meth. His payment plan was pretty simple, steal bike get a little meth.
Unless of course Tiny was feeling a little frisky himself. Then, according to the journalistic juggernaut that is the WeHo News- “He would sit and smoke meth and force them to commit fellatio on him before he might allow them to smoke some meth,” said Dept. Yanecko.
Oh and the best part? Tiny ran a bagel shop. His jizz coated and meth seared hands were touching food.
I've never been so glad to be a donut eater in my whole life.
Any of you care to weigh in on who was worse?
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